Saturday, 26 January 2013

Oh sweet clarity...

Yesterday was one of 'those' days.  Things went right, and things went wrong...  Much to be happy about, some to be nervous about, and even a little to be upset over.  I would call it a bit of an emotional rollercoaster kinda day. 

Last night, however, I was able to put much of the day behind me, and went to bed feeling SO loved, and so incredibly in love... This morning I happily woke with that peaceful loved and loving feeling still in my heart.
I opened my email while I was having coffee, as I do every day...  And there sat an email regarding the things that set off me on yesterday's rollercoaster.  Aaand low and behold... off I go again. I won't bore you with the details, in fact I am probably not even at liberty to fully discuss the situation openly at this time, but those details are irrelevant to this story.

This morning, I had a HUGE breakthrough moment... A moment where I slid into a place of clarity that I had never ever been before.

As I read the email this morning that set me off on an angry rant, my husband tells me, as he tells me almost every day about many many things work, life, and volunteer related...  "You need to not take this so personally" "you can't let this stuff get to your heart".

The familiarity of his words struck a chord within me...  "Coreena cries at TELUS commercials".  "Coreena cries at the news". "Coreena are you FOR REAL crying at Dumb and Dumber?".  "Coreena, you are taking it to personally" ... I have been hearing this stuff...these words MY WHOLE LIFE!

My husband's well meaning words sent me into my normal and oh so familiar spiral of negative self talk.  "Oh you did it again, you are so stupid. " and more stuff that I just won't share here...

Then my mouth opened and without even knowing the words that were going to come out I said "Honey, what if this is a strength and not a weakness.  Taking things to heart is who I am, and I like who I am.  It makes me SO good at so many things, including my job, being a mom, and volunteering...  Maybe I am not supposed to be able to turn that off?" 

He got really quiet and then said "Well, that's true.  I hadn't looked at it like that before.  But can you do that without beating yourself up??  I don't like it when you beat yourself up."

I said "Maybe I beat myself up because I keep not feeling like everyone tells me I should feel.  Maybe I should just feel how I feel?"

YESSSSSS!  Freedom.

Negative self talk... you're going down...

Clarity. Sweet sweet clarity.